You Know You’re Getting Old When…

Ok… some of these are knicked from other websites, but some are ours.
Those credited have given us the lines and are not necessarily the creators or speaking from experiences, though, those that have my name next to them, are actual instances.

You question friends and family members medication as though you’re some kind of expert pharmacist and the conversation will usually have you saying, at some point: “Oh, I used to be on those.” Wayne

You pick your mug of tea up and have completely forgotten that you finished it. Wayne

You tell a story to someone and if they found it remotely interesting, you tell it all over again. Wayne

You have no way of knowing if Sandwich Spread has gone off. It looks like it has, and it tastes like it has, but it’s on the bread now so… Wayne

When someone offers you a drink and your only answer is either: “I’ll have a tea, please” or worse, “I’d better not, or I’ll not stop needing the loo all day.” Wayne

You convince yourself that road rage is a young person’s problem, until the car directly in front of you hasn’t accelerated above 14 miles an hour for the last mile and a half. This leaves you swearing and screaming, flashing your lights, honking the horn and waving your fists, all whilst looking for any opportunity to overtake. Wayne 

For invitations to parties or gatherings, you respond with “we’ll show our faces” to ensure that you’re not committing to any lengthy stay. Wayne

You tell the person that you are talking to on the phone, that you can’t find your mobile, and only realise then that you’re talking to them on it. Wayne

When the time it takes to contemplate about having sex takes longer than the act itself. Wayne

When your mobile’s contacts app has two entries for the friend who changed their number. Instead of deleting their old number, for some reason it makes perfect sense to create a new contact. Not only that, you decide their surname is suddenly NEW and usually in uppercase. Wayne

You seriously have no control over whether you’ll fart whilst laughing. Wayne

When you can’t help yourself but tell the checkout operator: “I only came in for bread.” Wayne

When you use the word ‘thingy’ all the time because you can no longer remember what things are called. Debbie

You find that you can live without sex, but not without your glasses. Anon

You don’t remember being absent-minded. Anon

You don’t care where your wife goes, just so long as you don’t have to go with her. Anon

You discover the words ‘whipper-snapper,’ ‘scallywag’ and ‘by crikey’ creeping into your vocabulary. Anon

You dim the lights for economy, not romance. Anon

Your daughter tells you that she got pierced, and you look at her ears. Anon

You chat to your friends about ‘good grass’ but you’re talking about your lawn. Anon

You can’t understand all the high-tech newfangled gadgets they have nowadays… like flush toilets. Anon

You can’t tell the difference between a heart attack and an orgasm. Anon

You can remember seeing adverts for brands of cigarettes which used to be recommended by doctors. Anon

You can no longer remember your true hair colour (unless grey is the answer you’re looking for). Anon

You can go bowling with him. Anon

You watch a celebrity version of a TV show, such as Celebrity The Chase, and know none of them. Wayne

It takes me longer to rest than it did to get tired in the first place! Melanie

You get finger cramp scrolling down to find your date of birth on a website! Melanie

One day you are young and cool and the next day you are excited by a good vacuum cleaner. Zoe H

The ‘rush’ you used to get from drugs, can now be achieved by standing up too quickly… Zoe H

You count washing your hair and wearing it down as making an effort. Zoe A

Your knees give you a more accurate weather forecast than the guy on the TV. Melanie

You remember the very first “Now That’s What I Call Music (Volume 1)” Wayne

You start sentences with: “In my day…” or “It wasn’t like that in my day…” or “When I was your age…” Wayne

You start walking down the stairs sideways. Wayne

You now fancy custard creams and bourbon biscuits. They’re no longer boring. Wayne

You prefer Ready Salted crisps to flavours that are suddenly strange or disgusting. Wayne

You buy your first can of WD40. Wayne

A night out is all about: “Will it be quiet?” and “Is there parking outside or very nearby?” Wayne

You could listen to this week’s Top 20 chart singles and only like one of them. Wayne

Any reference to current music normally includes words like: ‘rubbish’ or ‘trash’ or ‘racket.’ Wayne

Talcum powder makes a big comeback. Wayne

You seriously toy with the idea of fixing something instead of buying a new one. Wayne

You have a torch with batteries that work (and spare batteries for it), ready for any power cut.

Farting takes on a whole new risky and gambling theme.

When your child is having a hip replacement.

Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.

The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

You feel like the morning after, and you haven’t been anywhere.

You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.

Your mind makes contracts your body can’t meet.

You look forward to a dull evening.

Your favourite part of the newspaper is “20 Years Ago Today.”

You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friends who exercised.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a dashboard compass for your car. Wayne

You are the proud owner of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half his age… and isn’t breaking any laws.

You sing along with the music playing in the lift.

You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.

You consider tea as one of the most important things in life. Wayne

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You can’t remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch TV.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You have a party and the neighbours don’t even realise it.

When you bend over, you look for something else to do while you’re down there.

You see strangers at a party wearing stilettos and must resist the urge to say something to them about how they are going to ruin their feet.

You sing along anytime you hear a Donna Summer song.

You are way beyond cold cucumbers when it comes to reducing puffy under-eyes.

You wear sunglasses for reasons unrelated to the weather.

You know at least three people who died last year who were your age or younger.

Infomercials are now pretty damn convincing.

You understand the importance of good Tupperware.

Candles make you happy.

You realise your metabolism is not what it used to be, and you’ve discussed this issue with all of your friends.

You cannot believe people were born in the 2000s.

A massage is literally always what you need right now.

You had a brief moment when you truly forgot how old you are.

You grunt when you sit down and get up.

Teenagers annoy you.

You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.

When you put your ankle on your other knee to tie up your shoelace.

The free magazine full of innovations to make life easier is a fantastic read and normally have you saying: “I must get one of those” or “They’re amazing, I bought one of those.” And regardless of that, you actually go ahead and order something from it.

When a foot spa is still your favourite birthday present ever.

When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

When you’re on holiday and your energy runs out before your money does.

You know the names of the staff in your chemist. Wayne

Getting lucky means you found your car in the car park.

You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don’t care any more.

You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don’t even remember being on top of it.

The clothes you’ve put away until they come back in style… have come back in style.

You start recording daytime game shows.

You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

You don’t remember being absentminded.

You can’t walk past a public toilet without thinking ‘well I may as well, seeing as I’m here.’

Getting dressed involves a shoe horn.

You talk about your prized record collection and nobody knows what you’re talking about.

You switched to decaf tea bags after 6pm just in case it does make a difference. Wayne

You have some cake but to be utterly civilised, wait to eat it with a cup of tea… and maybe in the afternoon and if you want to go completely overboard, with a fork! Wayne