Previous Quotes

We would like to remind our infrequent visitors of the "Previous Quotes" page. Some folk have contributed to over the years without even knowing it! The Previous Quotes page is all about either wacky, ironic, hysterical, inappropriate or just plain beautiful statements that have been said by those near and dear.

"That's just the icing on the biscuit!" ~ Paul Bigmore

"People change. I mean... look at me!" ~ Pete Fields

"You could do with a rocket up 'er arse, but then you'd probably enjoy that" ~ Dad


"There's a story behind that food mixer... I'll just get it!" ~ Me


"Is Cambridge in this Country then?" ~ Jade Goody, Big Brother


When Debbie was 17 and working in a well known high street store, she took a call at work and when asked if she was a minor, she replied: "Oh no, I work here!" ~ Debbie


"Oh, no, please don't... oh no please... oh no... oh!" ~ Me

"She was only in the broom cupboard because somebody put 'er there, thinking she was a broom" ~ Me

"I haven't got long!"~ You know who you are!

"And what does Mummy do to naughty little boys?" ~ Maria Abberley

"...Well, I'm going home for a wank" ~ Vicki Gardener

"They were fresh yesterday"~ Annie (about prawns in the fridge)

"He said it needs loosening"~ Mark

"I'm deprived, Wayne!" ~ Jeff Akers

"I'm sorry now" ~ David Jack (in reply to my saying to him: 'you'll be sorry when I'm gone')

"It's too big and I don't like it!" ~ Me

"I'm not gonna have sex for a week!" ~ Jezz (yes... Jezz)

"He was so camp he made me look butch" ~ Tony Fisher

"Don't you take that font with me" ~ Tony Fisher

"I even turned down sex last Sunday!!" ~ Tony Fisher

"I think I'm getting bored of casual sex!" ~ Tony Fisher

"...there are more things in life than sex... there's... .... shoes!" ~ Tony Fisher

"Your problem is you've got so many people to give your love to, it's spread so thinly, there's not enough for anyone!" ~ Tony Fisher

"He missed my arse and caught my side" ~ Tony Fisher

"Mm, it used to be called "Ham" until you went there!" ~ Tony Fisher (talking about 'Ham Common')

"And if you could just smile for me" ~ Reena (Plastic Surgeon, after stabbing me in the face with a needle about 15 times)

"Could you not just stick to one partner?" ~ Liz Bovingdon

"Oh Sshh" ~ Karl Moffatt

"Oh, Wayne... it's given me a headache!" ~ Karl Moffatt

"God help us when he moves 'ere, I think I'll move to Croydon!" ~ Margaret, (Noel's Mum)

"Actually, I'll be alright with just a drink!" ~ Rick Waller, Back To Reality

"I just didn't want it to be sexual" ~ Jezz Alton

"On the whole, women are hairier than men!" ~ David Jack

"Definitely hugs, they are easier to last, and you can sleep in one!" ~ Kelly Beattie

"... because you do have a large package, Wayne" ~ Sarah Foss

"I think I've been more prone to grief since Ireland. I just know now how fragile life and people are. It's made me a better person though.." ~ Lee Collins

f**k f**k sh*t b*lls and a*se**les ~ Maggie Ward

"I'm just going to shave, shower and then put Xmas tree up" ~ Jeff Akers

"I'm very careful about what I put in my stomach" ~ Dad

In response to Kieran saying "It was nice out earlier... where's all the sunshine gone?" Jezz replied: "It's on your couch at the moment" - referring to me... awe..... bless! ~ Jezz Alton

"I hope I'm your mate too, so I'm here for you when you just want to moan (no, not that type of moan!!)" ~ Mike Osborn

"I don't cry very often anymore because my life is so happy." ~ Kelly Beattie

"I think I need to grow my hair cos I look too butch" ~ David Wallis

"It's only that I listen to you when you tell me all your stories... until then I thought a cottage had roses around the door, thatched roof and an old English garden!" ~ David Wallis

"I do have my bedroom window open at night providing it is not too windy outside... it's always windy inside!" ~ David Wallis

"Manners maketh the slut" ~ David Wallis

"Oi, watch it, bitch! You're talking to a 'top' now!" ~ Nicky Ward

"You talk too much!" ~ Nicky Ward

"You know why it wasn't charging, don't you? I didn't turn it on at the wall!" ~ Nicky Ward

"I only called you to do something for me" ~ Nicky Ward

"The pictures on my profile are genuine!" ~ Nicky Ward

"I don't want my porridge too porridge-y!" ~ Nicky Ward

"How do I spell Yahoo?" ~ Nicky Ward (written in Windows Live Messenger)

"I did enjoy playing with yours but I need to play with it a bit longer!" ~ Nicky Ward (talking about my mobile phone)

"I'm not used to lying like this!" ~ Nicky Ward

"I have problems forcing something into meself at that time of the morning" ~ Pete Fields

"Christ - it's as big as the BBC's!" ~ Ian Willows (about this website)

"I've got the 'C' bit!" ~ Me (to Nicky Ward's "I'm the MMWC" - it stands for Main Man What Counts)

"Where?" ~ David Hierons, (when told "It's absolutely bucket'ing it down!")

"Hold on... I can only multi-task doing one thing!" ~ Simon Jones

"Is there any chocolate in my box?" ~ Simon Jones


"Hi - I'm at my Nan's. Went ok at the vet's... just giving her bath!" ~ Simon Jones

"What you doing there then?" ~ Simon Jones (on the phone and after I said I was at the barbers)

"What you doing?" ~ Simon Jones (as he interrupted me brushing my teeth)

"I like Uncle Wayne, he makes me funny" ~ Alfie Bruton (my Great Nephew)

"Are you a rent boy?" ~ Nikki Caiger


"I know... the things he made me do to him!"~ David Jack

"I was cutting the grass and just got out the shower!"~ Anthony Alton

"I am nice... you C**T!" ~ Wendy

"I don't know... never a dull moment with my lover! You never know what's gonna come out of his mouth next... or going in it!" ~ Simon Jones

"Does this cloth smell of chloroform to you?" ~ Jamie Green

"I went to chat this girl up the other night... but I lost my bottle."
"Why, what happened?"
"No, I lost my bottle... my bottle of Rohypnol." ~ Jamie Green


Wayne: "Do you love me?"

Jezz: "Yes"
Wayne: "Why?"
Jezz: "Cos you just asked me... now f**k off!" ~ Jezz


In a Windows Live Messenger chat with Kelly:
Wayne: "Jezz bought me a mirror screen protector earlier today."
Kelly: "Oh wow... is it a mirror?"
Wayne: "Yes darling. Which goes part of the way to explain why it's called a mirror screen protector!"


In a Skype conference phone call, Richard, David and I were trying to out-do one another with our genuine claims to fame with sexual celebrity partners... I thought I was on to a winner by announcing my oral achievement with a certain Jean Paul Gautier in the upstairs cruising bar of The L.A., in London until I was beaten completely by both David and then Richard's sexual accomplishments.
"I've had Alan Whicker on top of me!" ~ David
"I've been w***ed off by Wayne Sleep!" ~ Richard <Hahaha! Outstanding Richard> I'm so proud of you both! Haha!


"I can't be the life and soul all the time for everyone" ~ Gary

"I've got to stop thinking about everyone else and just think about me for a change" ~ Gary


"I consider people too much! That's been my downfall" ~ Gary


"I think I'm getting to an age where sex doesn't matter so much anymore" ~ Gary


"I'm fed up with giving all the pleasure" ~ Gary


"What are you on about, Wayne. This isn't about you. I'm thinking of myself here, for a change!" ~ Gary


"Good morning, DIA. Barbara speaking... can I help it?" ~ Barbara Johnson


"Good afternoon, DIA. Barbara speaking... can I hold you?" ~ Barbara Johnson


"Mary Tyler No More" ~ Jezz


"Ok, I'll be ready" ~ Michele


"Honestly, he's a nightmare to go shopping with" ~ Michele


"I think I'd rather go and wipe someone's arse than talk to you!" ~ Nikki


"Ain't being funny Bruv, but you go a bit far with your foul mouth and name-calling!" ~ Nikki


"Do you know what? It's getting too crude for me, around here!" ~ Nikki


"I'm only thinking of me!" ~ Gary


"I'm not selfless but I'm not selfish either!" ~ Gary


"Tramp is too polite for you" ~ Nikki


 Me: "Do you fancy a plate of salad tonight or a takeaway?"

Jezz: "Let's decide tonight. You may not want to cook!"


"I’ve had enough. Same guys cruising and I’ve had them all" ~ Jezz


"You're so needy" ~ Amanda


"I'd rather be a lezza than a homo like you." ~ Nikki


During a FaceTime call

Arun: "You're not dressed."

Wayne: "I know. It's how I am at home... just in a t-shirt and pants."

Arun: <laughs> "You're like a child."


"Oh, thank f**k for that. I love it that I can always get hold of you, these days. Years ago, you'd be in a toilet... these days you're so boring that I can always get you. Marvellous!" ~ Wendy


"Exactly! People are driven by different motives and their reactions are developed from how they’ve been treated in the past. Everyone just needs a bit of TLC." ~ Kelly


"That is the most vile c*ntist vile f**king c*nt sh*t ever u pair of w*nk sh*t c*nts." ~ Nikki


Nikki: "You should make your bed, of a morning."

Me: "I would if someone was coming round, but no one is, so..."

Nikki: "Well, no one comes in my bedroom... but I always make mine."

~ Nikki


"I'm nearly bloated."

~ Jezz


"You need to grow up."

~ Nikki


"It’s lucky that I’m supple, init?"

~ Jezz