How Is It?

This is the How Is It? Page. No matter what anyone else tells you… it was started by me back in 1986. That’s before any website created it, or even before the superb Peter Kay started doing them in his stand-up routine (some of which are credited here). 
Please email if you’ve got any hilarious ones of your own. 
“How Is It?” is to credit the person who submitted the entry, not necessarily the person who created it!

That when you stand a glass on a coaster and go to take a drink from it moments later, sure… the coaster has stuck to the bottom of the glass but we then treat it like a bomb scare and jump out of our skin when the coaster drops in our lap. (Wayne Alton)

When you see somebody you used to know years ago, walking past you in the street, or down the same aisle in a supermarket; you have this over-powering feeling that causes you to ignore them or pretend you haven’t seen them, all because you think they won’t recognise you? (Wayne Alton)

Whenever you drop your toast or bread and butter, it always lands butter-side down? (Wayne Alton)

Anyone who didn’t own a VHS video recorder, owned a Betamax one? And then went on to say how much better they were? (Peter Fields)

Every time you sharpen your pencil in any pencil sharpener, you examine the sharpness and think just one more turn…and that’s the turn that breaks the lead and leaves it stuck in the sharpener? (Wayne Alton)

No matter how serious the fault on your computer, when you solve it, the problem was always created by you? (Wayne Alton)

When you wash socks in an automatic washing machine, it eats one, every time? (Wayne Alton)

Wimpy, the burger people, used to have salt, pepper, vinegar, ketchup and mustard readily available on the table, then, for a while, you were lucky to get a sachet with a drip of ketchup in it, for under 12p. (Wayne Alton)

Whenever you use a cubicle in a clothes shop, there’s hardly ever a coat hook in sight?  (Wayne Alton)

We used to look up to stare at Concorde flying over, even after it was more than 15 years old? It’s a bit like going round to someone’s house and saying: “Wow, you’ve got a VHS video recorder.” (Wayne Alton)

When there’s motor racing on the telly, all you’re ever hoping for is a near-fatal accident where the driver is thrown out of the car that’s thundering across the track in a ball of flames? (Peter Fields)

Whenever anyone, remotely famous, dies; Ernie Wise always paid a tribute? (Wayne Alton)

Women drivers are known to never use their reverse gear, yet if they do, they travel at the same speed as if they were driving forward? (Wayne Alton)

Whenever you suggest to someone a clever little shortcut you’ve learned, down a back-road, there’s either been an accident, temporary traffic lights are set up, the council have installed speed ramps or worse still, made it one-way, the wrong way or even no-entry? (Wayne Alton)

When someone gets a wrong number, they quickly slam the phone down, leaving the person at the other end to ponder for hours about who it might have been, (prior to caller ID being invented)? (Wayne Alton)

All music-while-you-wait on any telephone line, is the Entertainer, or something equally as irritating? (Wayne Alton)

When you start to use a biro, it never works for the first character you write, causing an absolute mess when you go over it again and again, to get it to work? (Wayne Alton)

Whenever you order a Chinese meal on the phone, you always think the Chinese person has not got the order right, and then when you go to dish it up, you find they hadn’t? (Wayne Alton)

We all have the capability of finding something distastefully amusing about disabled people? (Peter Fields)

Some customers at supermarkets insist on not using the “next customer” separators at the checkouts, and when you observe this, normally the person directly in front of you, there’s always pandemonium with the checkout operator adding someone’s shopping to someone else’s bill? (Wayne Alton)

No one you know can stand Richard Madeley, yet he’s still in work? (Wayne Alton)

Whenever you look outside, to see if it’s going to rain, the times you think it will and take an umbrella, it doesn’t…and when you think it won’t, it does and you decided to leave your umbrella behind? (Wayne Alton)

When you go to a car boot sale, you’re constantly overwhelmed by the incredibly high prices that people are charging, yet always seem to come away with something you’ll no doubt throw in a cupboard and never use? (Wayne Alton)

A set of six wine glasses turns into five, within days of owning them? (Wayne Alton)

Telly agony aunts, like Denise Robertson and Claire Rayner, always gave advice as useful as you could? (Wayne Alton)

The British can walk through the doors of posh Harrods for free, yet would prefer to queue in the rain and pay 50p at the gates of a car boot sale? (Wayne Alton)

You feel good singing all the words to a current chart song on the radio, only to discover that you only know the words because it’s a remake of a 20-year-old record and you’re only remembering the original? (Wayne Alton)

You’re walking in the street and about to bump into someone who has realised they are about to bump into you. You step to one side, so do they… the same side. This continues and for what seems like the next 20 seconds you both dance the tango before departing from the scene, amusing one another? (Wayne Alton)

You think you’re not bad at singing but say nothing, because you think everyone else doesn’t share your opinion? (Wayne Alton)

If there’s something in a room, that can be spilt, and children are nearby, it gets spilt? (Peter Fields)

You get irritated when people call Cliff Richard – “Cliff Richards” – or even Donna Summer – “Donna Summers”? And then call Wendy Richard, Wendy Richards. (Wayne Alton)

There isn’t anyone in the world that have used tomato ketchup from a glass bottle and hasn’t covered their entire meal by mistake with the contents of the bottle, all because they shook it too hard? (Wayne Alton)

Milk tastes better out of a glass than anything else? (Liz Bovingdon)

Every time you’re desperate for a light, the matchbox only contains dead matches? (Liz Bovingdon)

Back in the days of Teletext, you’d key in a number that has several pages within it, for example, the telly pages, and the particular page you want is always the one that you’ve just missed? (Wayne Alton)

Regardless of how careful you are in choosing presents for yourself that are not too expensive when parents and family ask what you want for Christmas, they always end up buying you something completely different? (Wayne Alton)

Whether you’re driving or walking down the road, when you hear a car horn, you always assume it’s for you? (Wayne Alton)

The staff of a kebab shop can slit and open pitta bread perfectly, in about a second, yet it’s a complete disaster if you attempt the same task yourself? (Wayne Alton)

The A-Team has never even had a minor accident with all the thousands of rounds of ammunition fired at them over the years? (Wayne Alton)

A post office queue is never less than 15 people long and you only want two first-class stamps. (Wayne Alton)

Anytime you walk into a McDonald’s restaurant, it’s always filled with fat overweight women and their six kids? (Peter Fields)

Horseradish, when eaten, burns the inside of your nose, yet it is a pleasurable experience? (Wayne Alton)

Roger Cook stayed alive for as long as did? (Peter Fields)

Doctor’s receptionists’ talk and treat you like they were the doctor’s themselves? (Wayne Alton)

Cats are oblivious to loud music? (Wayne Alton)

Every time you use a hammer and cold chisel, a bit of brick or stone or something flies up and hits you in the eye… nowhere else… just your eye!? (Mark Rix)

A post office has eight or nine tills available but only ever two tills are manned?  (Wayne Alton)

Post Office red vans never travel less than 70 miles per hour, anywhere? (Wayne Alton)

Whenever you’re alone in a lift, and you think it’s safe to break wind and do, someone always gets in on the next floor? (Mark Rix)

You tell everyone you’re buying a new expensive electrical item soon, then, and only after you’ve bought it, there’s always someone who says they could have got you one cheaper? (Dave Sadler)

Regardless of how efficiently you stir your cup-of-soup, there’s always a lumpy gloop left at the bottom of the cup? (Dave Sadler)

That everyone forgets to change the year when writing the date in the first couple of weeks of January? (Wayne Alton)

Back in the days of recording the telly on videotapes: Whenever you go to record something immediately that’s on the telly, the only spare video is about 3 minutes from the end? (Wayne Alton)

There’s butter or margarine in every half-used jar of Marmite or Bovril? (Wayne Alton)

As a pedestrian, waiting at the traffic lights or a pelican crossing, you press the wait button, and only when all the traffic has gone does the green man come on? (Wayne Alton)

Whenever you play Scalextrix, you’re always the one that gets the slow car? (Mark Rix)

Every time you stop at the traffic lights and look at the person in the other car, they are always pulling something out of their nose? (John Noble)

Every time you stroked Poppy she hissed, spat and tried to scratch you? (Peter Fields)

When you yawn – it causes the person you’re talking to or the person next to you, to yawn as well, and even on the phone too? (Wayne Alton)

Every old person would be in shock to see a transvestite in Sainsbury’s, yet loved Danny La Rue? (Peter Fields)

Every time you travel on a journey, it always feels like half the time to travel back? (Wayne Alton)

You’re filling your cars’ tank at the petrol station, your plan is to put in an exact amount, but the pump deliberately adds 1p more almost every time? You then kid yourself that you’ll take it to the next one-pound and it does it again! (Wayne Alton)

There is never any white dog poo in the streets anymore? (Zoe Hunt)

That whenever you change a light bulb, you’ve always left the light switch on and the bulb lights up and makes you jump? (Jean Gardner)

That when you’ve finished the washing up, there’s always a teaspoon in the bottom of the bowl? (Jean Gardner)

That when you get on the end of a queue anywhere, no-one else seems to join it after you and you’re still the last one even when you get to the counter? (Jean Gardner)

That the word abbreviation is so long? (Linda Gray)

That all old women love anyone on the telly that is slightly camp, ie, Phillip Schofield, Russell Grant, Larry Grayson, Danny La Rue, Duncan Norvell and John Inman to name but a few? (Wayne Alton)

You only get 6 inches warning when you’ve reached the end of your box of kitchen foil? (Peter Fields)

Old people tell you something funny, and if you found it funny, they tell it to you all over again? (Peter Fields)

If you make a call to someone with call waiting, you’re irritated that they haven’t come over to you within a few rings, but when they do; you feel compelled to say “Ooh – I’m sorry, I haven’t phoned whilst you’re on another call, have I?” (Wayne Alton)

That no matter how much you hate liver or something you consider equally as horrid, someone always says something like “oh, well you’d like it the way my grandmother used to do it?” (Wayne Alton)

You get in the bath and within minutes the phone rings in the other room? (Wayne Alton)

You combat the problem of getting in the bath and the phone ringing in another room by purchasing a cordless telephone and then it’s only when the phone rings and your submerged in the bath, you realise you haven’t brought your cordless phone into the bathroom with you? (Wayne Alton)

Finally, you take your cordless handset telephone into the bathroom with you, so as not to miss a call, and no bugger ever rings then? (Wayne Alton)

And finally further still; you take the cordless phone in the bathroom with you, and the person who seems to miraculously wait until in you’re in the bath, calls your mobile, that’s in the other room! (Wayne Alton)

You tell someone one of these excellent How Is It?’s – and there’s always someone who’ll explain it away? (Wayne Alton)

It doesn’t matter what you put in your dustbin, come the end of the week, your rubbish will always smell the same? (Zoe Hunt)

Dependent on alcohol consumption, when you sleep, you have the ability to wake up and go to the loo whenever you need to? (Emma Brown)

That there is never enough at the end of the bottle for two bubble baths, but always too much for one? (Sarah Williams)

Whenever you see someone across the street that you know and start to speak to them, they seem to get quieter… to the point of whispering or miming over the noise of the street, assuming you’ll understand what they’re trying to say to you? (Kelly Alton)

That at a deli counter in your local superstore, the next customer number counter display is beautifully lit and shining at you when there’s no one else waiting to be served… yet if there’s a few of you, it’s broken down, out of order, leaving the customers arguing about who was next? (Wayne Alton)

You’re driving along the main road, there’s nobody else behind you, and yet the person in the car, in the approaching side road, sees fit to pull out, almost on your front bumper, and then seems to drive deliberately under the speed limit forcing you to brake and slow down… leaving you so infuriated that you spend the rest of the distance screaming obscenity and trying to overtake? (Wayne Alton)

There’s a light in the fridge but not in the freezer? (Jezz Alton)

That if Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? (Jezz Alton)

People point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? (Jezz Alton)

A gynaecologist leaves the room when you get undressed? (Jezz Alton)

Quizzes are quizzical, but tests are…? (Jezz Alton)

That corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, so then what is baby oil made from? (Jezz Alton)

Electricity comes from electrons, but morality doesn’t come from morons? (Jezz Alton)

The Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? (Jezz Alton)

That when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? (Jezz Alton)

That when you’re driving in your car, your favourite song always comes on the radio either the moment you arrive at your destination or just when you’re about to go through a long tunnel? (Zoe Hunt)

That whenever you open a block of cheese, cut some off and then put it back in the wrapper; it never seems to fit, thus two days later, half the cheese has dried up? (Karl Maycock)

Whenever you’re washing the bath out, the showerhead always manages to drip right down the back of your neck? (Karl Maycock)

There always seems to be a power cut or the fuses blow just in the middle of a good TV programme and you can’t find a bloody torch? (Karl Maycock)

You take the dog out for a walk to do his business, it’s pouring down with rain. The dog never does anything only to go in the garden the moment you arrive home? (Karl Maycock)

That when you’re printing that ever-important letter, CV, document and no matter how many ‘practice runs’ you try when you put in the only copy of a letter headed sheet of paper in the printer, it always screws it up? (Karl Maycock)

People always cross the road 20 or so yards from a crossing and look at you in disgust when you beep your horn at them for being in the way? (Karl Maycock)

Women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed? (Peter Kay)

They’re called stairs inside but steps outside? (Peter Kay)

That mineral water that has trickled through the mountains for centuries has a sell-by date? (Peter Kay)

All toasters have a setting that burns the bread to a crisp that no one would eat it? (Peter Kay)

That Goofy stands erect and yet Pluto is on all fours? (Peter Kay)

That we call a person who handles our money a broker? (Peter Kay)

When you tell someone there are over a billion stars in the universe they believe you, but tell them there is wet paint somewhere, they have to touch it to make sure? (Peter Kay)

They call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere but call it a haemorrhoid when it’s in your arse? (Peter Kay)

If you do something good no one remembers BUT if you do something bad…no one forgets? (David Jack)

However you place a handled object in the microwave, the handle is always at the back regardless of how long it’s been on the turntable for? (Wayne Alton)

When I go to pull out of my drive in my car, I look left to see no traffic and then look right, and there’s tons of traffic on its way? (Wayne Alton)

Whenever I get my evening dinner ready in the kitchen, with the portable TV on, advertisements are always about children making nasty smells in the bathroom and toilet cleaners and fragrance fresheners for the toilet bowl, and now more recently, a vile advert all about manky old toenails and or Vagisil. (Wayne Alton)

That the FIRST driver at the red light is always the LAST to see the light change to green? (Zoe Hunt)

When you invite a vegetarian over for dinner, you always serve up a yummy veggie dish, but when a vegetarian invites you to theirs for dinner, you never get steak? 
(Zoe Hunt)

People who say “get a life” interestingly display no evidence of having one themselves. (Zoe Hunt)

We press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak? (Vicki Gardener)

That we keep pressing on an elevator button until the elevator comes? (Vicki Gardener)

That banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough? (Vicki Gardener)

That glue doesn’t stick to the inside of the bottle? (Vicki Gardener)

They use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? (Vicki Gardener)

Tarzan doesn’t have a beard? (Vicki Gardener)

Superman can stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? (Vicki Gardener)

Kamikaze pilots wore helmets? (Vicki Gardener)

There’s an “S” in the word lisp? (Vicki Gardener)

That people evolved from apes, so why are there still apes? (Vicki Gardener)

No matter what colour bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white? (Vicki Gardener)

That people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will be in there? (Vicki Gardener)

That people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? (Vicki Gardener)

No plastic bag will open from the end you first try? (Vicki Gardener)

All those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? (Vicki Gardener)

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart, then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “It’s all right?” It isn’t all right so why don’t we say, “That hurt, you stupid idiot?” (Vicki Gardener) 

Whenever we attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table, we always manage to knock something else over? (Vicki Gardener)

In winter, we try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer… you know that temperature we spent all summer complaining about? (Vicki Gardener)

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? (Vicki Gardener) 

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s YOU! (Vicki Gardener)

The winner of the Miss Universe contest always comes from Earth. (Zoe Hunt)

That all of the male consultants in a hospital either wear corduroy slacks or heavily creased beige Chinos?  (Jezz Alton)

That Tesco sells “Smooth Cream Soda” in a can.  Have you seen the crunchy Cream Soda? (Wayne Alton)

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