Wayne’s Articles 1: Open Relationship – 25 years in

The debate on open relationships has been a topic of discussion for centuries. While some couples find it to be a harmonious arrangement, others find it to be the catalyst for relationship destruction, even leading to tragic consequences. A crucial personality trait that cannot exist in any form of an open relationship is ‘jealousy.’ Even a slight hint of jealousy, in any way or for any reason, can spell doom for an open relationship from the very beginning.

Jealousy, the cancer of mistrust, demands absolute honesty. Honesty is the foundation upon which trust is built, and trust, in turn, nurtures love. With honesty, trust, and love, longevity flourishes.

In my years of observing, researching, and counselling relationships, I’ve witnessed infidelity and its consequences. The root cause of these issues is often jealousy. For an open relationship to succeed, both partners must share the same mindset, beliefs, and opinions that infidelity will not and cannot break up their partnership. The same applies to monogamous relationships; both partners must have the same opinion, belief, and values that neither one needs anyone else. However, my concern is that sexual attraction, temptation, or a desire for change, whether temporary or ongoing, can creep in. When infidelity occurs, deceit and lies frequently become necessary to preserve the partnership or marriage. Common excuses include fabricated work commitments, car breakdowns, an urgent need for a friend, weekend golfing tournaments, and pub lock-ins… these all used to conceal infidelity. For those less susceptible to deception, repeated excuses can lead to doubt, mistrust, and uncertainty.

It’s ingrained in human nature that we should evolve, with one man and one woman sustaining a faithful marriage and reproducing. If there are no complications, this can occur freely and willingly. However, life is not composed of these simple elements; numerous issues can make this challenging and even impossible. A lack of love and commitment alone can be a factor. Sexual orientation, whether known or not, a medical condition that impairs reproductive ability or even sexual arousal, can be a central cause of an unsuccessful partnership. Even with a perfect blend of true love for one another, the introduction of a baby, or babies, can cause one or both parties to feel a sense of entrapment. This feeling might manifest as a craving for variety, even if it’s just momentary. Few are capable of resisting temptation, particularly if there is a sexual attraction outside the relationship.

Jezz and I revamped the rulebook to align with our needs, desires, opinions, and beliefs. From the outset, we made a pact that any relationship we were willing to commit to would be built on honesty and truth. To solidify this arrangement, our first sexual encounter together involved a third party, and unsurprisingly, we managed to build our partnership without any jealousy. As it grew stronger, our bond deepened.

One thing I’ve learned over the years is to appreciate and respect that not everyone shares my views on an open relationship. My only conclusion is that I’ve experienced both, and I believe an open relationship is pure, honest, and easier to manage than a monogamous one. Monogamy has consistently proven to be hard work, fraught with the challenges of resisting temptation, concealing infidelity, and generally lacking the variety that can stifle the physical aspect of a relationship. However, a genuine love can still hold a relationship together effectively.

Here are some questions I am often get asked by others who question whether an open relationship works or can be sustained:

Q. How do you not get jealous if Jezz has sex with someone else?
A. It is the ability to understand and practice that sexual desire runs along on one track, and our unwavering love, devotion and dedication for one another runs along a parallel track. And it would only be an act of jealousy that would alter those tracks and cause them to collide.

Q. But is there not the danger that one of you could meet someone else and fall in love with them, and that would be a likely cause for failure?
A. This is true. But it is also true of a monogamous relationship where resisting temptation failed and deceit and lies are festering.

Q. What about STIs?
A. Like most relationships in their second decade, Jezz and I are beyond the need for physical intimacy. Therefore, the risk of any sexually transmitted infection (STI) causing a problem is unlikely. If it did, honesty and open communication would help us resolve the issue amicably and painlessly.