Wayne’s Articles 4: Cruising could be self-harming

A doctor once shared a profound insight during a counselling session. They explained that the reasons behind cruising can be more intricate than the simple desire for quick relief. In my extensive experience, most people cruise for sexual gratification with individuals of the same sex. It’s important to recognise that not all cruising individuals identify as gay. After all, the ease with which men can connect on gay hookup sites like Grindr, Scruff, The Blowers, U4Bear, and others makes it challenging to understand why anyone would seek outdoor cruising. Other than the anonymity of sexual encounters. So, other contributing factors could be that they are straight, and so are less likely to be caught by a partner, neighbour, or family friend. Or, they are gay but in a monogamous relationship, and again, this style of meeting is quick and can easily go unnoticed. In my 40 years of experience, it is also a nice place to meet and chat with others. Like-minded souls whose emphasis is not driven by the act of sex, but more of a social standing. And that leads me to the psychological reasons why men cruise for sex with other men.

Once we’ve identified the physical need, the next aspect to consider is the mental state of the individual. Even something as simple as loneliness can play a significant role. I once spent an hour chatting with an elderly gentleman in his car in Ewell, Surrey. He shared that his children had moved away many years ago, and he had suppressed any gay urges while his wife was alive out of sheer love and devotion. However, once she had passed away, he noticed that this particular car park was attracting many men, without dogs. One day, he followed someone into the woods. Although nothing of a sexual nature transpired between us, he expressed his gratitude for the time I had spent with him, stating that it had alleviated his loneliness for that moment. It was a complex mix of sadness and humility—a feeling I hadn’t experienced whilst out cruising, so intensely, before.

Other emotional factors that can drive someone to engage in cruising include a desire for affection. A brief physical contact with someone who seems to reciprocate your feelings can be uplifting and restore your sense of attractiveness. Another reason could be frustration. An event was supposed to happen, but for some reason, it didn’t, leaving the person feeling disappointed and rejected. And for me, the prospect of anonymous sex with one or more people can be exhilarating enough to alleviate any feelings of rejection or disappointment.

THE RISKS
So what are the dangers?
1. Homophobic attacks have always been a risk associated with cruising. While they are still rare, some homophobes, in my definition, which includes men who can’t accept their attraction to same-sex sex, can lure someone who is cruising into a false sense of security and then attack them. One friend of mine was brutally beaten by two men at a urinal and had to be hospitalised for facial cuts and injuries. Another close friend of mine was fatally stabbed and died in a helicopter on the way to the hospital.
2. Sexually transmitted infections (STIs) or sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) are quite common. There are numerous cases of gonorrhoea, chlamydia, and syphilis circulating among promiscuous individuals, regardless of their sexual orientation, gay or straight. Consequently, the likelihood of contracting an STI is quite prevalent. In my experience, most gay men have had contact with an STI, and if not, they appear unafraid because, after all, “there’s treatment for that.”
3. Arrested — this is the least probable risk, but it can occur if you engage in sexual acts in public. My understanding is that having sex in public is an arrestable offence if it’s visible to other members of the public. Once, a police officer asked me to leave a cubicle with another man. He questioned me about my presence. At that point, attempting to deceive him with an absurd excuse like “my carer” was futile. It’s better to simply admit that you engaged in discreet, behind-a-closed-door, public sex. I find that the police appreciate the honesty and so long as long they’re not too homophobic (though most are) you should be able to walk away with a caution.

But this article began with an idea instilled in me by a doctor. During a consultation, when I expressed that not every session of cruising was desirable or even wanted, I found myself still going to a cruising ground, especially if I was passing one or a sauna. During more severe bouts of depression or rejection, I found myself needing to be in an environment where I was both the predator and the vulnerable. The overwhelming feeling of being alone with one or many men wanting to have sex with you, use you, was a relief from almost all the negative emotions. However, this mental state would quickly return, usually as soon as I started the journey home. This mental state has been compared to self-harm. Individuals experiencing a certain withdrawal from society, a feeling, or a sense of rejection, unworthiness, letting down others, or more likely, being let down by others, all share similar personality traits and disorders. These can be associated with both self-harmers and cruisers. It’s an intriguing concept that I hadn’t considered before, but I definitely related to when it was explained.
Terms like dangerous and wreckless are expressions often used to describe those who engage in cruising acts. But for different reasons, so is taking drugs, drinking excessively or driving badly.

In conclusion — if you are attracted to anonymous sex in public, know the risks and be cautious at all times. If you are repulsed by the act, may I suggest you don’t try it as you probably won’t like it but more importantly, nobody wants to hear your moral stance on the subject. And for those curious, not to want to do it, but want to understand the psyche of it, when you meet a cruiser next time, ask them if they are happy and content with their life. The answer may surprise you.