OK - here goes! 


These jokes are a little saucy and come with a warning that if you're easily offended, you might want to navigate away from here and not read on.


At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to the guy next to me, "Isn't the bride a right ugly dog?"
"Do you mind? That's my daughter you're talking about."
''I'm so sorry, I didn't know you were her father."
"I'm not, I'm her fucking mother.

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>



At school my favourite lesson was PE, probably because I had the biggest cock. I used to stroll around the changing room naked, flicking everyone with my towel whilst pointing and laughing at their little knobs.

Looking back, I think that's probably why I had to leave teaching

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>



When I was a young lad, was blessed with an 8" cock.
Unfortunately, it belonged to Father O'Mally.

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>



Fred came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Fred."
Fred was stunned. "I'm dead..? No, I can't be..! I've got too much to live for. Send me back..!"
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry no can do, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."
Fred was devastated but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground...
A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh..? How's your first day here..?"
"Not bad"' replied Fred the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode...!"
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before..?"
"Never," said Fred.
"Well, just relax and let it happen"' says the rooster. "It's no big deal."
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg..!
He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.
He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head and heard.....
"Fred, Fred...! for fuck sake wake up..! You've shit the bed.....

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>



Is 'Buttcheeks' one word or should I spread them apart?

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>



When I was a boy, my Momma would send me down to a corner shop with $1 and I'd come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea and 6 eggs. You can't do that now... too many fucking security cameras about.

<Supplied by Richard Scott McGall>



A nurse walks into a bank, exhausted after a 20-hour shift. She pulls an anal thermometer out of her pocket and tries to write a cheque with it. She looks at the cashier and says: "Well that's great... that's really fucking great. Some arsehole's got my pen!"

<Supplied by Amanda Cradock>



A woman in a jewellers, admiring a big diamond ring. As she leans down for a closer look, she lets a little fart slip out, hoping nobody will notice, she asks: "How much is that one?"

The jeweller says: "Madam if you farted while looking at it...you'll shit yourself when I tell you the price."

<seen on Facebook>



Roses are Red

Lillies are wiffey

When I think of you

I get a stiffy

<Supplied by Nikki Caiger>



My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a night light and put the cat outside. When our cab arrived, we walked out of the front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie, we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the backyard again. Because I didn't want the cab driver to know that our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my Mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away:

"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out.! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard. She'd better not shit in the vegetable garden again."
The silence in the cab was deafening.

<Supplied by Debbie Gray>



The Pope bought a 100 cases of Glenfiddich Scotch whiskey today... because the salesman told him: "it's a cheeky little twelve-year-old that goes down well."

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>



I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone.

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>



Hey Rabbi, do you charge a lot for your circumcisions?
No. I just keep the tips.

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>



The stunner from next door just came round complaining about items going missing from her washing line and threatened to call the police... I nearly shit her pants.

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>



I've just pulled up on the driveway to see some thieving bastard run out of our back door and jump over the fence. The wife must have put up a bloody good fight though... She's half naked, drenched in sweat and can hardly walk.

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>



"Mummy? Does Barbie come with Ken?"
"No, sweetie. She comes with Stacey. She just fakes it with Ken."

<Supplied by a random post on Facebook>


Just spotted a cat on someone's porch, miaowing to be let in. Without thinking, I walked up to the door, rang the bell, nodded to the cat and left. It was only around the corner when I realised what I'd done as I heard the owner shouting: "Fuck me, Sarah. The cat just rang the doorbell."

<Supplied by a random post on Facebook>



Almost every hand you have ever shaken has had a dick in it!

<Supplied by a random post on Facebook>



I can't stand people who think they're worse off than everybody else! My mate Derek is brilliant. He had a bad car crash where he lost his voice and both of his legs! Does he make a song and dance about it? Does he fuck!

<Supplied by John G>



A Muslim, a Jew, a Christian, a Pagan and an Atheist all walk into a coffee shop... and they talk, laugh and drink coffee and become good friends. It's not a joke. It's just what happens when you're not an arsehole.

<Supplied by a random post on Facebook>


A woman weightlifter goes to the doctor. "I've been taking steroids and now I've grown a cock."
"Anabolic," says the doctor.
"No just a cock!"

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>



A little five-year-old girl was usually driven to school by her Grandad, but one day he had a bad cold so her Grandmother took her. That night the little girl told her parents that the journey to school with Granny was very different. "What made it different?" asked the parents.
"Well," she replied, "Gran and I didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, foreign prick or wanker on the whole journey."

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>



Man in a hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth. "Nurse," he mumbles, "are my testicles black?" Nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other... she takes a close look and says: "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir." Man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says softly, "Thanks for that, it was lovely but listen very carefully, "Are my test results back?"

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>



And the Lord said unto John; "come forth and you will receive eternal life."
But John came fifth and won a toaster.

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>



Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore... A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>



I was in Asda with the missus and put a box of Stella in the trolley. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the missus.
"It's on offer, £10 for 24 cans," I said.
"Put them back, we can't afford it!" she says.
A few aisles on she picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the trolley.
"What are you doing?" I said.
"It makes my face look beautiful," she says.
I said: "So does 24 cans of Stella and it's half the fucking price!"

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>



My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size. So to cheer her up when she gets home, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my Accord.

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>



Just had a woman on the doorstep for the last hour explaining the benefits of brown bread... Fucking Hovis Witnesses.

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>



I saw a job advertised as a fanny waxer's assistant. Job includes removing ladies knickers, prepare fanny for waxing and rub oil in after waxing. When I asked at the jobcentre they said I had to go to Cornwall. I asked: "Why? Is that where the job is?"
"No," they said, "That's where the back of the queue is!"

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>



My son got kicked out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off! I said: "Son, that's three schools this year... maybe teaching isn't for you!"

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>



My neighbour clearly doesn't watch porn..she asked me to fix her sink... I've been here two hours now and I'm still fixing the fucking sink.

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>



A man passed out on a beach for four hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically on the front of his legs, above his knees. He went to A&E and was admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns; his skin already starting to blister. Due to the severe pain, he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours. the nurse, who was rather astounded, said: "What good will Viagra do for him?"
The doctor replied: it won't do anything for his condition but it'll keep the sheets off his legs!"

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>



The Mrs swallowed after a blow job for the first time in 5 years last night.......I wonder if it's a sign she's coming out of her coma?



I was in the pub the other day telling that old joke about "What do you do if you see an epileptic have a fit in the bath? Throw in your washing!" We were all having a good laugh about this when someone tapped me on the shoulder and said "Excuse me mate but I don't find that funny. My brother was epileptic and he died in the bath during a fit." I said, "I'm ever so sorry mate, did he drown?" "No," he said "he choked on a sock"



Tried erotic suffocation on the wife the other night when we were having sex. She obviously didn't like it, she's been lying there for 5 days now giving me the silent treatment!!



A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.... 'I'd like to buy a horth' he says.
What sort of horse?', said the owner.
'A female horth,' the owner shows him a mare.
'Nithe horth,' says the dwarf, 'can I thee her eyth?" The owner picks him up shows the eyes.
'Nith eyth', says the dwarf, 'can I thee her teeth?' The owner picks him up shows the teeth.
'Nith teeth,' he says 'now can I see her twot?' The owner picks him up and shoves his head deep inside the horse's vagina, pulls him out. The dwarf shakes his head and says 'Perhaps I should weefwaze that... 'Can I see her wun awound?

<Supplied by David Jack>



Teacher: Little Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?

Little Johnny answered: Drin-king, smo-king, and bon-king.

<Supplied by Mark Smit>



A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

<Supplied by Mark Smit>



A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony...On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?' The man replies, 'No, what do you mean? 'She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.' Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he
farts.....Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man. 'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.' You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and
has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says. The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.''But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities. The man replies, 'Listen, lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!

<Supplied by Mark Smit>



Two women were having lunch together and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. 
The first woman said, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job." 
The second woman responded, "Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my a**hole bleached! 
"Whoa," replied the first woman. "I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

<Supplied by Mark Smit>


An old woman said to her hubby: "My nipples are as hot today as they were 50 years ago. 
The hubby replies: "yeah because ones in your coffee and the other is in your porridge!"

<Supplied by Richard LeRiche>

ENGLISH SPEAKING DOCTOR On holiday in Spain recently I saw a sign saying "English speaking Doctor". I thought "What a good idea; I wonder why they don't have them in our bloody country"

<Supplied by Maggie>



Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?

A. A black coat, white-collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

<Supplied by Maggie>



A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said: "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

<Supplied by Maggie>



Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

<Supplied by Maggie>



A bloke goes into the Job Centre in London and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the girl behind the desk.

The Job Centre Assistant sorts through her files and replies."Oh, yes, here it is. OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist."

"You have to help the ladies out of their clothes and underwear, lie them down and gently wash their nether regions... Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination."

"There's a starting annual salary of £85,000,.....................but you're going to have to go to Glasgow .."

"Oh, why? Is that where the job is?" he asks.

"No," replied the assistant, "That's where the end of the queue is."

<Supplied by Mark>


In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.

<Supplied by Mark>



An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home. All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home.
After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful" says Grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents," Abdullah says with a big smile... "There's a musician here. He's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'! There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'! There's a dentist here 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'! And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Arab."

<Supplied by Mark>



Edward was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry etc. but Edward was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

'My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.'

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Edward aside to ask him if that was really true.
'No' said Edward, 'He plays football for England, but I was just too embarrassed to say'.

<Supplied by Maggie>


A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, “What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it. Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands. Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

<Supplied by Stephen>



This is a lovely story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day Joe, Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house.
The family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave her, her very own hard hat and gloves.

At the end of the first week, they presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the bank cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked all last week with the men building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, ' Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?'

The little girl thought for a moment and said...

'I think so... Provided those wankers at Jewson's deliver the fucking bricks...

<Supplied by Stephen>


A man watching a cricket game on TV kept switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple.
"I don't know whether to watch them or the game," he said to his wife...
"For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said, "you already know how to play cricket!

<Supplied by David>



I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.
He hypnotised seven men then dropped the microphone on his foot and yelled: “Fuck me!!”
….what happened next will haunt me forever!!

<Supplied by Irene>



Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said: "You've got two choices.
I either maul you to death or we have rough $ex."

Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

There was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says: "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough $ex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear says:
"Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

<Supplied by Mark>



A woman in her thirties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?'

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old.'

The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 42-year old arse?'

'Your name never came up,' she replied.

<Supplied by Mark>



I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.

I told them to F*** off!!

Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!

<Supplied by Maggie>



A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.

A Navaho on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-H-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-H-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service-station attendant.

'Nothing,' the woman answered.

'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'

'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles!'

<Supplied by Irene>



A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a mostly deserted beach at St. Kilda, Victoria.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely, "she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.
"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral," he answered, and again he resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted," Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life...
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied. "How did you know my name is Katz?"

<Supplied by Mark>