The following jokes are offensive. Please DO NOT read any further if you’re remotely offended by rude and offensive jokes.

THE FRANKIE BOYLE SET

Q. What’s the useless skin around the vagina?
A. The woman

Q. What’s pink and has cobwebs around it?
A. Madeleine McCann’s bike

Q. What do sharks and humans have in common?
A. The great ones are white

Q. What’s the difference between a cow and 9/11?
A. You can’t milk a cow for 25 years

Q. How do you pick up a Jewish girl?
A. With a dustpan

African kids are like flowers, they take your water for a week then die

Q. Why is there air-conditioning in hospitals?
A. To keep the vegetables cold and fresh

I added Paul Walker on Xbox, but he spends most of the time on the dashboard.

Q. What’s worse than going down and your Grandma?
A. Hitting the coffin lid when you go back up

Q. Why does Batman’s mask only cover half his face?
A. To let the police know he’s white

Q. Why is a priest called Father?
A. Because calling him daddy would blow his cover

Q. What do you call an autistic kid in a school shooting?
A. Target practice

Scientists have found water on Mars. So that’s Mars 1 – Africa NIL

Q. Why do you put a hamster in duct tape?
A. So it doesn’t explode when you fuck it

Q. What do emos and apples always have in common?
A. They look good hanging from a tree

Q. A black man and a Jew jump from a building. Who hit the ground first?
A. Who cares

Q. What do you do to a deaf girl after you’re done raping her?
A. Break her fingers so she can’t tell anyone

I like my women the same way I like my whiskey… 11 years old and mixed with coke

Q. What’s the difference between rape and sex?
A. I don’t know

Q. What’s stronger than family?
A. The floor that Liam Payne hit

Q. What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his bum

Q. what did the kid who got hit by a car get for his birthday?
A. An amputation

Q. What’s the only organ in a woman that stays warm after her death?
A. My dick
<Supplied by Susan>

I’ve never seen an entire child pornography film, just little snatches.
<Supplied by Gary Delaney>

I rang up that new Rape advice Line, but apparently it’s just for victims.
<Supplied by Gary Delaney>

I joined a fisting club. Not something I’m particularly into… I’m trying to widen the circle of my friends.
<Supplied by Gary Delaney>

An old Pakistani porn star moves into an old people’s home, and his relatives visit to make sure that he’s ok. “Oh, I’m fine,” he says. “They treat us all with kindness and respect. Old Tom over there used to be a doctor, and they still call him Dr. Tom. Dave was a pilot, and they still call him Captain Dave and even though I haven’t made a porno film or even had sex for the last 20 years, they still call me ‘The Fucking Paki.’ ”
<Supplied by Richard>

Mick Hucknall has been arrested after being caught shagging a rabbit. A police source said he was holding back the ears and singing bunny’s too tight to mention.
<Supplied by Richard>

A teacher says: “OK, class. I’d like you all to tell me what you need at home.”
Susie says: “We need a computer.”
Wendy says: “We could do with a car.”
Johnny says: “We don’t need anything, Miss.”
Teacher says: “Oh come on now, Johnny. Everyone needs something.”
“No, Miss, my sister came home with her new paki boyfriend and Dad said, ‘that’s all we fucking need.’ ”
<Supplied by Richard>

I entered a blindfolded masturbation competition. Fuck knows where I came.
<Supplied by Richard>

Took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her Tourette’s. Turns out she doesn’t have it, I am a cunt, and she really does want me to fuck off.
<Supplied by Richard>

A woman listens in on her 4-year-old playing with his train set. “All those getting off, go on, fuck off. All those getting on, fucking hurry up.” So the woman smacks his bum and sends him upstairs until he’s learned his lesson. Two hours later the boy comes back down, says sorry to his Mum and carries on playing. Mum listens in. “All those departing, thank you for travelling with us and have a good day. All those boarding, please mind the gap and have a safe journey. And all those who are upset by the two-hour delay, blame the fat cunt in the kitchen!”
<Supplied by Richard>

I’ve been to the optician today. He told me that I’m colour-blind. I’m really worried now. Some of my mates could be pakis, so if you are… can you delete my number and fuck off! Thanks. 
<Supplied by Vicki>

Two men leave Pakistan for the UK. They agree to meet two years later to see who has become the most English. Two years pass, and they meet, first one says: “I’ve got a Beckham shirt, a bulldog and I drink beer. I go fishing and play golf at my local country club. How English have you become?”
The second one replies: “Fuck off, you Paki!”
<Supplied by Vicki>

A paki got knocked down by a lorry and was killed outside my house today. I thought: “Wow, that could have been me, but then again, I can’t drive a lorry!”
<Supplied by Vicki>

Homeowners are being warned about three keys that can open 73% of doors, 84% of cars and 92% of padlocks. They are dar-keys, pak-keys and pi-keys!
<Supplied by Vicki>

A little girl walks into her parent’s bedroom. “Holy fuck!” she screams, “and you want me to see a doctor about sucking my thumb!”
<Supplied by Melanie>

Jack and Jill went up the hill, so Jack could lick Jill’s fanny
Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock cause Jill’s a pre-op tranny!
<Supplied by Melanie>